Microsoft Sucks

Microsoft Sucks


Let me take you back to 2002
Online gaming for consoles was just starting to emerge
You had the PS2 Network Adapter and you had Xbox Live
Remember stupid ass Dark Master?
I must have been like 12 years old when I got my Xbox
I got Return to Castle Wolfenstein
I got that old school headset
and I’d get in there on Xbox Live and I’m like:
Hey guys! Let’s go win the game, dude!
And just a wave of angry douches descend on me like:
Shut the fuck up you little gay ass you little fucking 6 year old little bitch shut up
and I’m just sitting there
with a big ass smile on my face like
“This is amazing”
And I loved Xbox Live as a kid
playing Counter-Strike,
MechAssault, Halo 2,
Burnout 3, DOA
I remember putting the stupid voice mask on and wack to sound like a robot
It was a magical place
where you could call some black dude in his thirties
a “pee pee head”
“Dude! They can hear me! And I can hear them!”
“That’s the coolest thing about Xbox Live, the voice.”
And you would just make friends
with the most unlikely people that you would never meet in a hundred years in real life
And I’ve met some of my oldest friends on Xbox Live,
ya know, some of the funniest, most genuine people of all time
Ya know maybe charging 50 bucks back in 2002
when the consumer didn’t know anything about that
ya know, it was just coming out
But, it’s 2015 now
Ya know, things change
We know now that it doesn’t cost shit to play games online
We know you spend any money on the servers,
or do any upkeep at all
Xbox Live is essentially Microsoft taking money for doing absolutely nothing
No other consoles were charging you money to play their games online,
and yet, Xbox still did it the worst out of all three of them
Gears of War,
you guys remember this game was so inconsistent and laggy and host would always just clean house in that game
And then over here you had PS3 with Resistance 2
Completely free-to-play online, and you had 60 players in a match,
and it — it just worked beautifully
And that was probably the moment where I was like:
Okay, why are they still charging me for Xbox Live?
But, Sony saw that you know,
you could just get money for free so they said fuck it
They pulled a complete 180
And now they charge you money to play PS4 online
So thank you Microsoft
Thank you for inspiring your competitors to sink to your level
The original white Xbox 360 was a terrible piece of hardware
Ya know, back in 2009
it was reported that 54% of them had broke down
and that number has probably gone way up since then
I remember i got the Red Ring
back when, Blue Dragon came out
I was so sad because that was pretty much
the only thing I was doing was playing Xbox everyday
And a shitload of 360s were getting Red Rings
so Microsoft responded with this fake ass repair policy to save face
claiming that they would extend warranties on older units to fix the Red Rings
So, [Clears throat]
what you had to do is you had to call support
would ship you a box in like four weeks
You had to put your Xbox in there
ship it back to Microsoft and then a month later,
they send you your Xbox back
and it was still broken
and [Chuckles] it was such a shitshow
And I did this six times
Six times I sent it back to Microsoft,
and they sent it back broken every time
and on my seventh attempt
the guy on phone support tells me:
“Oh I’m sorry sir, you’re no longer covered by the warranty.”
So yeah,
Microsoft’s actual response to every 360 breaking down was:
Hey, buy this new black Xbox 360. This one actually works!
Games for Windows Live is the single worst interface
ever introduced in the history of PC gaming
It was designed as a sick practical joke by the Nazis to troll gamers
Now for this one I gotta take you back a couple years
My Youtube channel was just starting to do good
I was making some decent money off my videos
So like a complete fucking idiot
I signed a year long lease for this really expensive apartment
And then the month I move in
Youtube ads start paying 40% of what they were previously paying
Not to mention
you know, I Machinima taking a huge cut of that money
“Sign here please.”
“WELCOME TO MACHINIMA!”
[Scream]
So during that whole year I was just super stressed out
Trying to make as videos as I could to make enough money to live off of
and I was putting out, ya know, 8 to 9 videos a month
So pretty much just back to back
everyday, every hour working on videos
And I was just looking to for any opportunity
to make some extra money to pay this stupid enormous rent
And Microsoft comes in with this deal
they say:
“Oh, okay. We’ll pay you 2 months rent
if you make four videos for our new indie game we’re putting out.”
So I email them and I say:
“Okay, I’ll do it. What are the guidelines?”
and they respond:
“Oh just do whatever you want”
So I make this
and within 2 hours Microsoft takes down the video
they cancel the deal with me
and they don’t even pay me for that first video
Now this is the knock out punch
this is where Microsoft sums their entire purpose
as a company into one single moment
Valve was releasing a whole new set of maps for Left 4 Dead for free
they were give you all the new maps for free
Microsoft saw this and told them no
you can’t do that
because they didn’t like the precedent Valve was setting with the free DLC
and they didn’t want other companies following in Valve’s example
So, you had the maps for free on day one on PC
and then 3 weeks later, you had them for $20 on Xbox
You have to [Laughs] ask yourself
What kind of human being would perpetrate such terrible, evil acts upon the gaming community?
Ya know?
Unless they weren’t people at all
Think about it
Xbox Live, the faulty hardware, Windows 8, 13 billion dollars worth of sand
Microsoft is run by ANTS
It’s run by ants
DreamWorks, you guys know DreamWorks right
Shrek, Madagascar, How to Train Your Dragon
DreamWorks was actually founded by Microsoft’s own Paul Allen
Do you guys recall what was DreamWorks’ first movie they put out?
Oh wha-what was that?
IT WAS ANTZ
It was Antz ladies and gentlemen
It was fucking Antz
I rest my case

100 thoughts on “Microsoft Sucks

  • July 11, 2019 at 4:10 am
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    stallman and torvalds breathing heavily

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  • July 11, 2019 at 4:18 am
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    Gamers unite

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  • July 11, 2019 at 10:18 am
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    So this is why I can't play multiplayer on Minecraft…

    Thanks Microsoft 🙂

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  • July 11, 2019 at 1:52 pm
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    How did you know

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  • July 11, 2019 at 4:24 pm
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    Sony sucks xd 60 dollars 1 year plus? 😂 😂

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  • July 11, 2019 at 10:55 pm
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    Microsoft is shit.

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  • July 12, 2019 at 1:13 am
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    Microsoft: you can’t have one free dlc SO PAY UP

    Me: Laughs in Hollow Knight

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  • July 13, 2019 at 4:57 am
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    “Microsoft spend over 13 billion dollar on sand in 2013” 🤔 was it for silicon maybe?

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  • July 13, 2019 at 7:53 am
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    I propose opening a new company called MegaHard to oppose MicroSoft. Megahard Blindows 2020 will run all games at max settings at the SAME TIME. And instead of ants…we use snapping turtles to run the company. Hard little bastards ready to bite someone's dick off.

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  • July 13, 2019 at 11:56 am
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    Maker studios? Don't you mean shitter studios?

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  • July 13, 2019 at 1:54 pm
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    Yo halo pretty good back in the day ayyye?

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  • July 14, 2019 at 8:37 am
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    Microsoft managers can suck my dick

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  • July 14, 2019 at 12:21 pm
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    PS4 is God
    Xbox is the devil

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  • July 14, 2019 at 8:08 pm
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    I had the same experience with Warhawk on ps3 and that’s when I changed to PC

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  • July 15, 2019 at 10:01 am
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    Greedy corporations like microsoft are awesome because their actions give us videos like this which we love.

    Thank you microdick.

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  • July 15, 2019 at 6:29 pm
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    THE ANTS ARE TAKING OVER NINTENDO

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  • July 15, 2019 at 8:25 pm
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    My friend still has his xbox 360 from 2007 and it hasn’t red ringed at all

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  • July 16, 2019 at 8:35 pm
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    1:06 oh shit its blue dog! RIP George Rodrigue

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  • July 17, 2019 at 3:37 am
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    Unironically, they do.

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  • July 17, 2019 at 9:28 pm
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    Nowadays Microsoft sucks for buying Minecraft. Fuck you microsoft

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  • July 18, 2019 at 8:25 pm
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    This is coming from a Sony member, holy shit he’s totally telling the truth and not trying to promote his console that he enjoys

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  • July 18, 2019 at 8:40 pm
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    Well, u always have your Nintendo 64

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  • July 19, 2019 at 5:52 am
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    the same exact thing happened to me with my xbox360 i sent it in 4 times and on the 5th they told me to go fuck myself

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  • July 19, 2019 at 5:52 am
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    I guess 6K people are Microsoft employees

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  • July 19, 2019 at 6:34 am
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    I hate the fact nintendo charged when i was about to play splatoon 2 it said you need a membership i was like 😡🥺

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  • July 19, 2019 at 11:27 am
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    I have a micropenis

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  • July 19, 2019 at 11:39 am
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    1:04 those stairing eyes dood….

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  • July 19, 2019 at 12:22 pm
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    You would never have this problem with Bookworm Adventures.

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  • July 19, 2019 at 4:48 pm
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    I read microsoft as minecraft and was very angry

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  • July 19, 2019 at 4:59 pm
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    I shit you not I also had 5 red ring failures and 6 total xbox 360 consoles. That was the biggest piece of shit hardware ever made, and I loved it.

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  • July 19, 2019 at 5:18 pm
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    I still have my white XBOX. Still works! Jesus is within it.

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  • July 19, 2019 at 11:42 pm
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    Microsoft isn't to bad, they're still better then EA at least

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  • July 20, 2019 at 6:11 am
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    I don’t know how old my dads Xbox 360 was but it lasted us years right up until the Xbox 1

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  • July 20, 2019 at 10:24 am
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    console players actually still bend over and pay to use their own internet in 2019 lol

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  • July 20, 2019 at 1:56 pm
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    Fucking dispise microsoft, ten years ago they were a decent company, now they've just decended into actual shit. They made windows xp and 7 and was like yeah we can do things. But then was like naaahhhh you know what. Fuck people. Just fuck people, lets just start fucking them all over. Lets legitly just design things to not work and just fuck everything, lets just fuck the human race until we have all their money ha, ha, haaaa if anyone whos working for that company sees this message. I want you to find the nearest wall, any hard surface will do, and just headbutt it as hard as possible till you find bill gates in hell, you fucking trainwreck. Absolute tramps, ive seen homeless people less greedy for money its genuinely distgusting.

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  • July 20, 2019 at 8:38 pm
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    Isn't it lovely to see areas of gaming DEvolve over time?

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  • July 21, 2019 at 5:50 am
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    At least they’re not EA

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  • July 21, 2019 at 2:03 pm
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    All Ps4 Gaymers
    Haha Xbox Sucks

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  • July 21, 2019 at 4:31 pm
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    4 years later. ALL OF GAMING is dominated by USELESS charges as these companies began to stalk the humans using Data science AI to figure out how they could charge more easily for absolute no value adding. THANKS ASSHOLES. you couldve used the stalking results to FIX VALUE GAPS AND MAKE YOUR FUCKING PRODUCTS THE BEST THEREBY WINNING THE COMPETITION GAME AND HAVING THE MOST CUSTOMERS BECUASE YOU MAKE SOMETHING THAT OFFERS MISSING VALUE THAT PLAYERS EXPECT. FUCK OFF ASSHOLES!

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  • July 22, 2019 at 12:50 am
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    Bill gates named the company after his peen micro and soft also the Xbox one can kiss my ass such a shit console the 360 was better can’t wait till I get a ps4 and a gallon of gasoline to burn my Xbox

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  • July 22, 2019 at 3:34 am
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    Back in 2015 I barely got an xbox 360. Then my friend’s broke down. He begged for my dad to fix it so he said sure. He saw the red ring and completely disabled the Xbox, cleaned out dust with the system and reassembled it to fix that problem. So it’s worked since then. How about y’all? Was the red ring for you just dust or naw?

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  • July 22, 2019 at 5:20 am
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    Song 1:50 ?

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  • July 22, 2019 at 11:43 am
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    5:10 Oh no these people must have beat this boring ass game. I'm dead

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  • July 22, 2019 at 1:42 pm
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    When my og xbox 360 broke for the 3rd time they just said "here take this new black one"

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  • July 22, 2019 at 5:07 pm
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    As long as they own Minecraft, They’re unstoppable.

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  • July 22, 2019 at 7:10 pm
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    Huh huh hey beavis, Microsoft sucks

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  • July 22, 2019 at 7:37 pm
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    5:12 i agree with you dunkey but if you where paying somone to play your game and then they called it boring you would probly be mad to. (even tho the game is boring)

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  • July 22, 2019 at 8:07 pm
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    Consoles are the femenists of gamig

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  • July 22, 2019 at 8:30 pm
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    And once again I remember why I am a PC gamer on steam.
    Steam, thank you for not stopping down to Microsoft’s level…..yet…..

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  • July 22, 2019 at 8:36 pm
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    Only Microsoft would make a deal without setting any guidelines, and when that deal is just starting to get carried out they get all pissed as if the person broke every non existence guideline in the book that they never even received in the first place. And minus another 500 points for acting like they didnt know Dunkey was going to make a video like that. Have they ever even seen his videos???

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  • July 22, 2019 at 8:52 pm
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    And that why Xbox or Microsoft, is garbage

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  • July 23, 2019 at 12:01 am
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    I got red ring on my halo 4 Xbox and wanted to kill myself

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  • July 23, 2019 at 12:43 am
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    now in 2019, even nintendo charges 20 dollars a year for you to never use it in mario maker 2 !

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  • July 23, 2019 at 1:44 am
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    Probably dunkeys best video

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  • July 23, 2019 at 5:17 am
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    When you're trying to defend Xbox on this video.
    Objective: SURVIVE

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  • July 23, 2019 at 5:50 am
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    atleast for psplus you get free games every month

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  • July 23, 2019 at 5:57 am
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    They only make decent computers.

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  • July 23, 2019 at 7:43 am
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    Do yourself a favor, and buy a PC because its the only platform currently that has no paid online.

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  • July 23, 2019 at 12:27 pm
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    Wow Dunkey has a lot of beef with Microsoft. And yes Microsoft is trash. So trash that Gabe Newell himself trash talked them.

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  • July 23, 2019 at 2:19 pm
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    The main reason why nobody wants Xbox at E3

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  • July 23, 2019 at 6:56 pm
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    And ants was a shitty bugs life bootleg so…

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  • July 23, 2019 at 7:36 pm
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    5:22
    Fucking immature sociopaths…

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  • July 23, 2019 at 9:10 pm
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    Whats that Elephant name i laughed so fucking hard XD 0:57

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  • July 23, 2019 at 9:29 pm
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    You suck

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  • July 23, 2019 at 11:32 pm
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    dang, microsoft sucks

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  • July 24, 2019 at 1:03 am
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    this guy playin counter strike on the xbox

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  • July 24, 2019 at 3:46 am
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    Yeah microsoft is actually just a bunch of dickheads but you have to use their software if you don't want to pay out your teeth or pull your hair out with linux.

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  • July 24, 2019 at 5:52 am
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    Don’t worry boys Phil Spencer’s will save us

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  • July 24, 2019 at 12:44 pm
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    Printul Noptii means The Night Prince….just thought you would like to know

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  • July 24, 2019 at 8:25 pm
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    PlayStation fanboy. You hardware gets hacked much more easily and has crappy games and PS4 is sponsored by abortnite, one of the worst games. Ugh.

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  • July 25, 2019 at 4:24 am
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    Now everyone changes for online because all people want is money and no one cares about the player experience.

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  • July 25, 2019 at 2:13 pm
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    Ah yes Bambi the Elephant, a childhood classic along with Dumbo the wooden puppet and Balto the Arabian street rat who found a genie, who was of course played by Robby Williams.

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  • July 25, 2019 at 6:42 pm
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    dumleys gonna be pretty angered when he finds out Nintendo is pulling a Microsoft

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  • July 25, 2019 at 8:07 pm
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    Thank you Michaelsoft

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  • July 26, 2019 at 5:19 am
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    Microsoft can go to hell. I paid for a gane about a year ago, 60 bucks. A while later i had pc problems. Had to basically wipe the thing clean, get a new graphics card and a couple other things. So i went to re download the game and they claim to have had no history of me getting the damn game. So i had to buy it again. So i paid a total of 85 bucks for a game with was worth maybe 25 at the time of its release. Screw you microsoft.

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  • July 26, 2019 at 2:11 pm
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    I regret buying an xbox

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  • July 26, 2019 at 5:07 pm
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    I love the fact that dunkey can now just say fuck you Microsoft ,without worries
    freedom of speech baby

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  • July 26, 2019 at 6:30 pm
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    IT WAS ANTS

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  • July 26, 2019 at 7:24 pm
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    I realized that online on ps3 was more stable for me than xbox and I actually saw way more hackers on the 360
    I’m not sure why i kept paying for gold I didn’t even use my xbox often enough

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  • July 26, 2019 at 7:41 pm
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    Think about how Office Word behaves.
    Think about Skype quality.
    Think about how the computer update at all inconvenient times.
    Think about all the viruses, and worms, and slowdowns: nobody ever says "my computer runs very fast and I haven't any problem in years".
    Think about internet explorer.
    Think about all the security vulnerabilities.

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  • July 26, 2019 at 11:49 pm
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    My Xbox and account are so screwed up, and none of it is my fault. One day, I couldnt play multiplayer online even when I had Live, and I even had to get customer support to try to fix the issue. After they couldnt fix anything for me, my brother, who does not have much experience in the working field, was able to fix the problem for me on his own lol. On top of this, I installed DLCs for a game where, again, one day, suddenly one of the DLCs disappeared, meaning that I couldnt continue on during my playthrough, and when I go to the store it says to install, but it is already installed if I look in my games and apps, and when I press to install, nothing happens. I'm freaking done with this crap and all I wanna do is just play games -_-

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  • July 27, 2019 at 10:25 pm
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    "Hah, that's what you get for playing on consoles!"
    * turns to face my Microsoft Windows PC
    "…oh."

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  • July 28, 2019 at 12:39 am
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    The sad thing is that people are braindead enough to continue feeding Microsoft their money instead of being intelligent consumers and just breaking their income till they change. If not then a competitor will change to get those consumers.

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  • July 29, 2019 at 10:28 am
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    Fuck Microsoft I bought GTA 4 and I can't play cuz of game for Windows live fuck you

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  • July 29, 2019 at 1:38 pm
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    Thank you Microsoft for bringing us Steam, you were the necessary evil that brought us the Steam Sales and such

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  • July 29, 2019 at 5:14 pm
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    SONY AND NINTENDO WANTS TO KNOW YOUR LOCATION

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  • July 29, 2019 at 8:11 pm
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    funny enough they wouldn't send you YOUR XBox back. i had a completely different motherboard in my new one (I could tell because the MAC address was different). they would just toss in a new board from another XBox they had repaired, it seems

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  • July 30, 2019 at 2:11 am
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    WOW WTF Microsoft. That's incredibly unprofessional.

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  • July 30, 2019 at 7:45 am
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    Exhibit : Windows 8
    *static
    Nuff said.

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  • July 30, 2019 at 9:20 am
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    I guess I was lucky to not experience "Games for Windows Live", what was it for? I've been using Steam since it existed pretty exclusively… lol

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  • July 30, 2019 at 3:36 pm
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    At least windows 10 is ok
    Windows 7 is epic tho

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  • July 30, 2019 at 5:54 pm
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    You can see the quality companies put to their consoles in those failure rates

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  • July 30, 2019 at 5:58 pm
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    Microsoft is actually nickname that bill gates wife gave to his penis

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  • July 30, 2019 at 6:42 pm
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    I don't even remember the last time Xbox Live was down.. like in spring for a couple of hour xD I prefer paying online service for better server quality. Does anyone remember Ps3?😂
    This Xbox sponsor video is beautyful

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  • July 30, 2019 at 8:24 pm
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    The eminem of gaming community

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  • July 30, 2019 at 11:59 pm
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    My sister's arcade Xbox 360 system still works

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  • July 31, 2019 at 3:59 am
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    Got you beat, i had 9 consoles with the red ring of death.

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  • July 31, 2019 at 5:23 am
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    5:38 whats the music that plays here?

    Reply

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